Game Reviews

I didn't expect much from Alpha Prime. All the warning signs were there: the small, foreign developer (Prague's Black Element Software), the discount price ($20 on Steam), and the fact that every review quote on their site reads like, "Graphically, at least, Alpha Prime doesn't disappoint . . . rest of game [is good]." After about five hours, I began to pity this unlovable FPS. It isn't a bad game, or more precisely, it isn't merely a bad game. It's an unbelievable fiasco of a game, a brazen travesty that continually displays its own hindquarters like the world's ugliest mammal attempting to mate. Alpha Prime is the Half-Life of suck.

Half-Life in particular comes to mind many times in the course of this game, while crawling through vents, stacking crates to solve physics puzzles, using oddly familiar health stations, and even (points for chutzpah) a tram ride. Mathematically speaking, it's no surprise that a game named Alpha Prime should be derivative. The surprise is that each element has been modified just enough to be irritating. The tram ride is twenty feet long, breaks down every five feet, and by completing an objective the wrong way, I tricked the game into pulling me and my tram through a closed door. The health stations work fine but there are identical-looking oxygen dispensers in low-oxygen environments which require constant backtracking. (When your tiny oxygen meter runs out, it's instant death, without warning.) Finally, if you're going to include crate stacking and jumping puzzles, make sure collision detection works perfectly. The crates kept clipping into each other, and when I jumped next to a wall or heavy object, it magically pushed me backwards through the air. I found a basketball lying around in one level and tossed it around a bit. It rebounded off the wall and killed me.

Every enemy in Alpha Prime can be lethal, not just the sporting goods. Robots and humans alike are crack shots, down to the unarmored, wimpy civilians with pop guns. Without aiming, they can hit a moving target every time. You, on the other hand, need to hold down the right mouse button for anything like accuracy. Enemies do occasionally miss when they blind fire, which they do in a particularly cute way. I'm no tactician, but shouldn't they be facing me, their opponent, while they retreat? Instead, they turn their backs, run away, and unload a pistol over their shoulder. Sometimes they run into a wall and keep running like they're on a treadmill. Given the game's clipping issues, they might make it through nonetheless.